2020 keeps on happening. Including my brain take over.
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Over the weekend, my depression really kicked in. I’ve been thinking and thinking over and over, if I should share this information or not but, I’ve gotten to the conclusion that if I don’t share, it’ll be in my brain and never come out. So here goes. I’ve been taking medicine for depression for a long time. It became really bad after giving birth to my daughter. My postpartum was filled with depression and anxiety and thoughts of fear and quite frankly suicide. It was awful. I struggled a lot, but continued to fight for my daughter. But, this is a story for another blog.
As for the medicine; sometimes, it just doesn’t work. I’ve been upset about everything and everything upsets me. Not being able to figure out something from work really gets me worked up and I keep on ruminating on how dumb I feel when I can’t figure something out. This something is probably so simple, that I’m having trouble getting through the hump of my depression. My husband has tried to be helpful as has my mother in law. But my brain just can not kick it out of the way. Anyone else have that issue? When you’ve got something in your head, that is probably going to sabotage your day, but your brain just can’t get over it? This is how I’m feeling over the weekend.
I’ve felt a little like this during the week as well. Keeping busy with work helps to keep me in focused mode and not think about my depression. Luckily, this will most likely pass. I’ve had this feeling in the past and then it goes away. But unfortunately, in about a month or so, it comes back again. It’s seriously annoying at times, and during this time of depression, I’m just not sure what to do with myself.
When I feel all sorts of down, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to go for a walk or run, I barely want to eat. Until about 5PM rolls around and my system can’t take it anymore and I need to get something in my belly before I pass out. Anyway, I don’t know how I can kick this awful feeling.
One thing that I do to get my mind out of my own head is to color an adult coloring book. I got this one for Christmas last year and I’ve been coloring it on days that I feel like this. It does not make me feel better, but it does keep my mind distracted from, well, stupid thoughts. But, then my daughter also wants to get in, on the coloring. She wants to make everything rainbow color. She’s a happy kid and wants everything happy. Meanwhile, the page that I’m working on is mainly monochrome colors with the exception of the rainbow colored section that she worked on. I’ve asked her to color on her coloring book; we have the same coloring book. Twinsies! We’ve gotten the same exact one for her so she cold have one of her own and not color on mine. But that doesn’t work on the mind of a six year old. She wants to share and color from the same book. How do I say NO to her? Well easy, right? By telling her, “No baby girl, you color on your own book that santa got for you.” It’s just that she has the personality of a persistent person. She will talk herself into anything. She is like her daddy that way. Where, she will talk and talk and talk until she gets her way. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a great feature in ones personality to have. But, I don’t have that, I’m a very reserved person and a lot of people think I’m probably dumb, because I don’t talk a lot. I’m not the mingling type. I’m more of an observer and a thinker and not much of a talker. Most of the times you don’t want to know what I’m thinking anyway as it’s probably not pretty or maybe I think it’s a dumb thought and it will not add to the conversation. Some of the times, I’m in another planet and thinking about what I need to do tomorrow or what I need to do for work, or maybe I’m thinking of what my mom would think in this situation. I, for the most part will think it’s irrelevant to the conversation and will not give my opinion.
This is one of the reasons why I have a blog. I get to put some of my thought on “paper” and release some of the tension that I have on my shoulders. Yes, some of my idiotic thoughts get to placed on here. At this point, I’m looking to get my thoughts out there and leave them out there. If it creates a conversation; great! If it doesn’t, it’s ok. I am here to get my thoughts out and maybe even help someone who feels the same way. If so, you are not alone. If you don’t get it, then, trust me, you are not alone either. Having major depression and anxiety is not easy for someone to understand if they don’t go through it themselves. I’ve gotten the version of “suck it up, buttercup” when speaking with loved ones. I know they are trying to help. And, hey, some days, that is exactly what is needed. You look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself; it’s enough. Enough of felling like crap and it’s time to start sucking it up and keep going. Life is about the journey after all. But, for me, sometimes telling me to suck it up, simply makes me feel worst. Some days, like today, I really wish I could just suck it up and go.
The worst time for me however, is when I have down time. Down time makes me think and be unfocused. I need to be focused in order to be “fine.” I need something that will keep my mind occupied. I simply need a hobby, maybe. One that I can keep up with. This is something that my oldest brother tells me. Well, my hobby right now is to write my thoughts. But I can’t do this all day long. Then, my family wouldn’t see me at all, since I am in my bedroom/office behind a closed door in order to do my blog and concentrate on what I’m doing.
I feel bad doing this blog, since my daughter has already asked me to not be on the computer so much, especially over the weekends. But this is when I have time. But, she wants to play and learn and see me. Which makes me feel loved. But, during the seasons of my deepest depression, all I want is to be in solitude. During these times I listen/watch self help videos on youtube. But during seasons like this, they go in one ear and out the other. I listen to great advise such as: “you are enough” and “today is the best version of me.” Another great advise is to “push yourself,” “be productive” or “quit living in the past.”
I place all of these quotes in my journal. And keep telling my self the same thing everyday including, “I have a great memory.” In reality, my memory is a mess. Same issue from postpartum. I was in the hospital in an induced coma and may have lost some oxygen during this time and my memory took it’s toll. But there is nothing I can do at this point but, just keep looking forward.
This afternoon, I’ve been looking through my books related to museums and artist’s paintings. Not sure why, but looking though these books make me happy when I’m feeling down. I love to see the expression that these painters had in mind when they were painting. Another book I love, if the one from the Isabella Gardner Museum from Boston, Massachusetts. We visited many years ago and I loved it so much that we bought the book they had for sale. It has the collection that Isabella has placed in her home which is now the museum. I look through it at times that I feel down.
Eventually, my medicine does kick in and I am feeling better. I have an extender for my depression medication and it’s helpful. I have to take it throughout the day in order for it to work properly. I need to do this every single day. This is my life now!
These are my thoughts for the weekend. I hope you and your family are doing well during this covid-19 season.
Until next time.