It’s Monday and I woke up at three in the morning. I got up and headed to the bathroom and then tried to get back to sleep. I instead was on my library site for a while trying to figure out what next book to listen to. I’ve been feeling a little down so I settle for ‘The Science of Positivity: Stop Negative Thought Patterns by Changing Your Brain’ Chemistry by Loretta Graziano Breuning. It’s supposed to help me look at the world in a different way. So much so, that I fell asleep listening to it. But no worries, I will listen to it again. And then again for a third time if I continue to fall asleep to it.
Today was to be a running day but since I got up at three and couldn’t sleep again for a while, once the alarm went off, I was just too groggy to get up and do anything.
At about seven thirty I get up and log on to my work email. I have a job to get done this morning and would like to get it started earlier than nine so I can get my other items taken care of. Well what ya know, the website is not working properly. I can’t log in. No worries, I have plenty of other things to do. So I get to it. A little while later I take a break and get myself some coffee and something to eat.
By my lunch the site continues to not work properly. I can give access to users but users can’t log in. And some of these users are a pain in my behind and they want to log in NOW!! Um, sorry lady, I don’t have access to the backend systems and can not help you. You’re gonna have to wait.
It’s Tuesday and yet again, I am awake at three in the morning. My husband is up too but he doesn’t come back to bed again this morning. He must has just thought, forget about it, going to go on the couch for a little while then get ready for work. Meanwhile, I get on the floor and do some sit ups and yoga posses, anything to get myself tired again so I could go back to sleep. Nothing is helping. So I log on to my laptop and put on ocean waves and look for a book to listen to. I eventually start yawning. I leave the ocean waves on and go lay back down and turn on tick tock. Don’t know how the algorithm is working for this site, but the videos keep on being about side hustles. This gives me anxiety, I would like to have a side hustle, but I want something that I can do easily and quickly. I don’t want to have parties like pampered chef or sell things. I’m not a good sales person. Plus, I’ve noticed that for most side hustles, you have to pay to play. Hello, pyramid scheme. Not interested in that. I would like for my money to make money. That would be nice. I wonder how the wealthy do it. There must be a secret somewhere.
Anyway, today is national puppy day. We were thinking of getting a pup but I’m not sure. Having a pup is a lot of work. It’s another family member. The pup will need a lot of TLC and medical and a hair stylist and all of the other things pups need. The only pet I’ve ever had was a fish. They don’t need daily attention. Although mine used to let me pet it. I’ve never had a pet that would need daily care so I wouldn’t know the first thing about it. My mom is afraid of any and all types of animals so we never had any sort of pet as a kid.
It’s Wednesday and I am awakened by a very odd dream. I was in a doctors office from back in the fifties where everything was a pinkish peach color. I was barefoot and in an nightgown. There were mirrors everywhere. The crazy part was that I couldn’t see anything. Everything was blurry. All I could see in the mirrors was my blurry self, long brown hair and a white nightgown. I was screaming because I was so devastated that I wasn’t able to see anything. Hearing myself scream woke me up. My audiobook was still on from last night and the author was talking about how we should choose all of our words carefully when we speak to others. Since I couldn’t go back to sleep I kept on listening to the audiobook until it was time for my husband to get up and ready for work. I tried to stay in bed but I just couldn’t. Not being able to see in my dream really spooked me so I got up along with him. As he was getting himself ready, I made myself toast and started up my coffee. I then had my toast with butter and blackberry jam. Yummy. I wash the dishes that are in the sink and then my hands start to itch. I have eczema on a couple of my fingers and they are itchy. Every time I wash the dishes they tend to get worst. It’s odd because the eczema comes and goes. It’ll be on like, my pinky finger this week and then next month or so it’ll be on my pointer finger on my other hand. Anyway, I always have eczema cream ready for these kinds of days. So here I am at five in the morning awake but no motivation to get down to the treadmill. Nor to get some shut eye. Meanwhile, I have the sound of ocean waves in the background. It’s a very special sound for me. I love the beach and the sites and sounds of the shore are some of my favorite sounds.
Good morning everybody, it’s two in the morning and I am very awake. I’ve gotten up at midnight and got myself a midnight snack of peanut butter and nutella and then tried to get back to sleep. Of course I couldn’t as I have work on my mind. I’ve gotten up again and made a few mockups for one of the sites that need to work on. It’s not fantastic, but I’ve gotten it done. Meanwhile, I am listening to the sounds of a creek and some zen music. So far it’s been keeping me calm. What I need now are some sleeping aids in order to get my behind back to bed so I can have a better day tomorrow…well a better day thank yesterday. Yesterday, there were a couple of items that were not working on one of the websites and I was at a complete loss. The ftp or sftp or some other acronym wasn’t working properly and there were emails and instant messages contently going back and forth and my anxiety was on overdrive. I had no idea what to answer to first or even if I should respond at all. So instead I panicked and basically placed my thumb up my behind as I no idea how to respond to the majority of the issues that were going on. It was not a good morning. As for this morning I was able to get back into bed and back to sleep until six in the morning. And then, back to the laptop I go. I am now answering emails rapid fire. I am getting a bit annoyed that I feel like I don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing and I am getting more and more twisted as the days go by. It feels like rapid fire emails makes me sound as if I know what I am talking about. I hate it. Rapid fire is not my thing, I like to think about what I’m going to say, not just simply fire off the first thing that comes into my mind. Believe me, it’s not a good thing. Usually the first words out of my mouth is ‘WHAT?! That is now how it works you dumb sh*t.’ So I have to be careful to not call people names and keep my cursing down. I can be a sailor at times and that does not jive well with corporate America. One more time…I hate this sh*t.
Today I spoke with my mentee and she is a fantastic young woman. She is the one who told me about the use of the free site called canva. And how to the covid vaccine faster if you’d go into the city. Today we spoke about how some bosses can be complicated and some can talk from both sides of their mouth. I told her that I’ve had a boss who told me that I did not need to know processes but then told me that I need to know the process. For real?! What the hell does that mean? It’s a funny relationship, I feel like I talk more to her about my issues than she does to me about mine. We have a great relationship and I hope that I have been good mentor to her. I’ve also mentioned to her that I’ve been harassed at work by an old gross man. Then I told her that I never went to HR about this because my boss at the time said she does not trust them and that it may do me more harm than good. She said the person is in a high position and that he may know someone in a high position which may then put me in a bad place. Basically make me a complainer and that is not a good position to have. I told her, never again. Next time I will go to HR and make my complaint. Apparently, this disgusting man has made gross passes at other women and they all know about it. This a**whole should get fired. It’s funny, I remember telling my story to another manager and the manage didn’t know what to do with himself. He told me that what the gross man said was “strange.” No m*therf*cker, that is sexual harassment. Anyway, thinking about this makes want to throw something. Luckily I don’t have to work with this guy at all. He works with the finance department and I don’t need to deal with him for anything.
It’s Friday and yet again I am up at the crack of dawn. I am up with my husband as he is getting ready for work. I make myself some toast. Watching him eat makes me want to eat too. So buttered toast with blackberry jam it is. We get his rain gear and some other items for his work day. Oh yeah, and the kitchen smells really, really bad. He likes to eat soup for lunch so he heats up a can or two of soup and then places it in his thermous. But good lord the smell of a tomato type of soup right in the morning is not for me. Nevertheless, I am hungry and eat my toast anyway. He then leaves and I head back to my bedroom office and I have a message from my co-worker from VietNam. They are, I don’t even want to know how many hours ahead and they send messages at all hours of the night. We are talking for a bit and then I get annoyed. I’m probably still tired. But, I am annoyed because I have been working at all hours of the day and night and it feels like the company doesn’t care. I only get payed to work a certain amount of hours per week and here I am at five in the morning working away. I say f*ck this and get back into bed. Problem is, I can’t sleep. So I am looking for an audiobook to entertain me. I decided on Kiss the Girls and Make Them Cry by Mary Higgins Clark. It’s about a girl who is journalist and she does things. No idea what happened because I fell asleep. By the time I woke up she was in Aruba investigating why a girl went missing. I then turned it off because I’m going to have to listed to it all over again since I must have missed an hour or so of the book. At eight, I get up and get my coffee ready and log on. My boss gave me a treat today, as I no longer have to present in a meeting this afternoon. She wants it postponed. Yay. Now all I have to do is write up all of the other technical document for the other requests that I have coming my way. Do I know how to write technical documents? Nope, but this is what the boss wants me to do. She does not want me to write one liners to the developers such as, the business would like for the website to do this. The boss wants me to write well that, plus where the information comes from where it will go. Technically this technically that. Technically I don’t have a f*cking clue. I’ve created one before and the boss came back with so many questions that I had missed on the document that I was a bit confused why we needed such information. I literally needed to state that a button should be next to the other buttons. If I would not have written that, then the team wouldn’t know where to put the button. Who the hell knows best practices here? No I need to know user interface and user experience as well. I think this is all I need to know. Meanwhile, where do I learn all of this information? No one is teaching me how the systems interface. Then I’m told that I don’t need to know how they interface. I ask if I’m supposed to know this. I get an answer that we don’t need to make any of these particular updates right now, so I don’t get informed of how the system works. Holly hell. By the end of the day my head is spinning. I’m going to take another piece of medicine that will calm my system and see if I can some of my other work done.
Until next time
Stay Safe
Best,
Isabel
Isabel's world 